There is a saying that goes something like this, "You are only as sick as your secrets." I disagree with the way this is worded when really, "We are only as HEALTHY as our secrets..."
I had an experience recently that I truly appreciated. Having this connection took me back to a place I was at years ago and it was a stark reminder that although I am not freeing up space in my head, heart or soul anymore for my "secrets" or the affects of the experiences that caused me to have these secrets, that doesn't mean others are not. It doesn't mean others are deeply affected everyday by things they are holding onto, experiences that they are keeping a secret for, what could be, many different reasons... So, I am going to start writing about this subject, starting today, to help people know that they aren't alone. That is the entire reason I started this blog, to help make a difference in any way that I can.
When you bring your secret out of the darkness into the light, it takes its power away. When you hold secrets in your body, you will get sick, not only mentally and emotionally, but physically ill. When we have something happen to us, whether it be abuse in some form from sexual abuse as a child or adult to getting hit or beat up from our parents or mate, we feel like we did something wrong. NO, you did not do anything wrong and you do not have to protect the person or persons who did this. You may have tried to tell and your voice wasn't heard so you give up because it makes you feel like no one cares anyway or you may feel you have been bad so you deserve whatever may be happening to you. NO, you did not and do not deserve to be abused!
Find someone, anyone, you feel you can confide in, and tell them. Get this secret out of you and bring it into the light Doing so will create space for you to heal. You have the right to do so. It is not your job to protect anyone. I am here for you. I can write these words because I experienced this myself. When I told what happened to me, it was to protect another little girl, I was not believed and I was told that I am not allowed to tell my dad!!! My own father... My dad continued to associate with this person, have meals in his home with this person but could not see me because I was no longer in his religion. I mean, REALLY? Can you imagine? Oh, it gets better... This person was my dad's wife's best friend's husband. My dad's wife hated me and still does, all because my dad loved me... So here I am, a little girl who looked up to her dad and loved him like little girls love their daddy's...He marries this truly evil person, who is abusive mentally and emotionally. She told me at least four times if not more, per week, that I was "Good for Nothing." "You are a good for nothing little brat..." I will tell you that I was a good kid. I sought to please everyone around me. I just wanted to be loved... I am the same way today but with healthy boundaries in place. Now to continue, so here is this woman who makes my life a living hell and is extremely jealous of me, she even accused me of wanting to sleep with my father. I was 12 and did not know what that even meant back then. I was raised jehovah's witness and very naive. with that being said, here comes her best friends husband, at the age of 11. I kept it to myself until he tried to have sex with me and because jehovah says that having sex without being married is a sin and you'll die at Armageddon, I freaked out on him and ran out of my own house and screamed! I called my dear friend, at the time, and told her and she told her mother... It never went further after that. When I found out he was having a grand daughter, I went to the elders in the religion and told them. That is when I was told not to ever tell my dad. His wife knew and they continued for years after, as friends. I left the religion, SHOCKING RIGHT? So my dad was not in my life. This was about 29 years ago now. I am grateful, that at a young age, I was able to start learning my rights at a human being and woman. I am grateful that their attempts to control me to keep secrets were futile. I was able to start on the path of healing. It took a long time but it was all worth it. I am opening this part of myself up to let you know that you aren't alone and people do truly understand. I understand. I also want you to tell your secrets... You have already had something taken from you that they had no right to take!
Secrets come in many forms. They aren't just about things that happened or are happening to you. Secrets are things you are doing that you feel shameful or guilty about in some way. We keep secrets because we are fearful. We are fearful of judgement or of losing something or someone. I implore you to please tell someone! You see, secrets tend to feel really big when we hold them inside. Bigger than they really tend to be. They are holding you hostage. SET YOURSELF FREE! It will be worth it in the end. Will their be consequences? Yes, there always are... But what are the consequences now? Is this a dress rehearsal? The life you are living. No. We are living this life right now without do-overs... We do get second chances within our one life but you are living it now. Be compassionate with yourself, love yourself, tell just one person you can trust to tell your secrets to. By doing so, you will set yourself free! You have got to STOP judging yourself. Please! I know you are worth it. We are all humans having a human experience. Live by your expectation of yourself first. Give yourself permission first. Forgive yourself first. With this comes freedom, inner peace, joy and rewards that you didn't know were possible.
Love,
Teresa